Do you know that every time I go to a restaurant and take home left-overs, I think about her birthday (the second to last time I saw her too) and how she was so pissed that she left hers at applebees. Every time I think about it, I think, why couldn't I have just gone back to get it? Really. She would have been so happy. Something so small that would have meant so much to her.
In a sense, not going back to get those left-overs and feeling guilty, just represents my guilt for our entire relationship.
When will I ever stop feeling guilty for not going back to applebees?
When will I ever stop feeling guilty that on Friday, I also thought about going to visit her at the hospital, but I was too tired from work and didn't want to drive all the way to Kansas City. When will I stop feeling guilty that I didn't I tell her the morning after her birthday that I had fun? I did have fun. We went to the same old restaurant, spent the night just like always, watched all the same old movies, and talked about the same old stuff. But it felt like home there in her house with the same old friends and the same old stuff; epically after such a rough first semester at college. Why couldn't I just tell her how much a night like that had meant to me?
I am so eager to do things in her honor now, in hopes that she will realize I am just trying to make up for all the years I was such a terrible friend.
Of course we were young and scared. Of course, now, we would handle things much differently. Right?
Do we still skim over the important things in each other’s lives, in hopes that we just won’t have to come to terms with them eventually? We say we don’t want to grow up, but we already are. When is it going to be time to talk about the bad stuff, the really bad stuff, and the really important stuff? If something happened to one of us, how much more guilt would we feel? How many things are we ignoring now, that could turn into a situation that is just as life-altering as Krista’s death?
I would love to give us the benefit of the doubt, but the farther we all drift from each other, and the less time we make for one another, the shorter my list gets of people that might be there for me when I really need it. It is scary, to say the least.
March and April are officially named, "Blast from the past" months.
It is so weird. All of the sudden, people that I haven't seen, talked to, or thought about in years have made their way back to my life. (if even just for a moment)
My recent blast's from the past...
Ashley Eargle
Josh Sparks
Dylan Roberts
...who turned out to be an again.
Brain Atwood
And last but not least- the worst blast from the past: Roy Williams
yeah, traitor.
This is not to say that all of my blasts from the past were bad. Just the Roy one really. It was definatly unexpected, slightly awkward, but sort of cool to see all of these people again.
